So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
You Might Also Like
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright