So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”