So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Danger is very dangerous
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!