So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
greetings!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Um … Hot Wings please
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
*watches the world burn*
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
bugs when you lift up a rock
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.