So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*