So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
A ghost story
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too