So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog