*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?