so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Just a phase…
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.