so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
How about daylight saves us for once
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad