So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old