So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.