So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Print is alive and well!!!