[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt