So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
the chicken was already gone when I got here
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
my first dose meeting my second
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.