So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas