So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!