@jeremysmiles: So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
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@Scdavis24: Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She's been talking nonstop for the last two days now.
@Thrill_Tweeter: [The mid 20s catch up] "What are you drinking, who you seeing?" [The midlife catchup] "Who's your therapist, what are you taking for it?"
@dreamthievin: "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."
@Jamie1947: *talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.