So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
How do you milk an almond?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now