So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
don’t we all
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
some cats are just doing for fun!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.