So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Just a bush.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale