So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.