So many pants.
So little yoga.
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I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash