Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
yeet
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
shit, they caught us—run!!!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven