@envydatropic: So many people say "if my memory serves me correctly" and I'm actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory.......
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@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out] Wife: I have nothing to wear! Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go