So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My blood type is b hungry.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Jurassic park gets weird
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Peace was never an option
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.