So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Always…
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.