So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Hit me in the face with a bird
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather