@LoveNLunchmeat: So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage... But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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@ch000ch: it's always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
@JKickinit30: [hiding in the bushes] Me:*whispering*they can't see me Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
@BoogTweets: Me: *Posing nude for the first time* Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
@Parentpains: My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.