So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete