So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.