@NicestHippo: [meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people

@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@iSpeakComedy: My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@SleazySli: What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.

@withanewname: Aquaman: Come on in the water is great. Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.