So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.