So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.