I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.