“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer