So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”