So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.