So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: It鈥檚 late, and I鈥檓 so tired.
My brain: Let鈥檚 find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they鈥檇 never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 馃巸
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[last supper]
judas: this could鈥檝e been an email
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
…u ok Nintendo?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Smashing pi帽atas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don鈥檛 ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Kids at this rave act like they鈥檝e never seen a CPAP machine.