@pmclellan: So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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@FatherWithTwins: My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he's my new accountant
@WilliamAder: If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
@OneFunnyMummy: I don't homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
@SteveSuckington: [first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape