So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I’ve had worse
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
want me to check your oil?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Goodnight 🐶
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting