So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
✌️
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.