@Parkerlawyer: So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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@nickbilton: The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.
@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*
@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
@HeMightBeJason: Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it's burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth. I'm a goddamn genius.