So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I like crazy people until they notice me
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
No regrets in 2018