So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
this has done me in for some reason
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him