@Brentweets: So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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@WarrenHolstein: Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
@david8hughes: [assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.
@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday