So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Mistakes were made
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.