So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee