@JRehling: So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience
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@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
@markydoodoo: *strums guitar* This is a little ditty I've been working on called "Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies" Hope you like it.
@WeissBrandon: Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories The library (My 6yo told me to tweet this)
@SaraMansford: 911: What's your emergency? Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight. 911: How did he die? Me: It must've been something I said.