@JRehling: So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience
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@titusbb: I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.
@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
@therichards5: <in bed> <hears ice maker> OMG! I'm going to get murdered! <hears a/c come on> OMG! I'm going to get murdered <dog barks at door> STFU!
@marinhubka: I moved to LA 9 months ago and I've just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.