When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”