Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
rapatouille
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.