So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Wait a minute…
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Does this dress make me look cat?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.