So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
How animals would run if they were human
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
These are my roll models.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people