So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Ummm
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.