so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
You Might Also Like
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life