My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
You Might Also Like
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.